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its_cooler_in_the_shade
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Name: andrea
Country: United States
State: South Carolina
Metro: Charleston
Birthday: 1/14/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: art, music, spending time with friends, watermelon, white tigers, full moons, hot chocolate, hoodies in the winter, beach/downtown in the summer, concerts, thunderstorms, lightening, walking in the rain, bunch of other stuff...
Expertise: being ticklish eeeeeeeeek
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  shadowphoenix56
Member Since:
6/12/2005
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| So, I can't sleep. Naps at 6 pm really aren't a good idea but at least it wasn't intentional. Today was a very lazy and restful day. I'm really not looking forward to getting up for work tomorrow. I am getting so tired of stupid people and people who "know it all" because they've shopped at the store once a week and think they have special privileges because they know the name of the store manager. People can become so rude and nasty when it comes to obtaining something they want. There are some things in this life that just boggle my mind, and one of them is when people can't even try to muster up some sort of self respect or respect for others, which include the use of manners, common courtesy, using their brain before they act or speak... I mean seriously, I think some people should be banned from speaking until they can learn how to use the lump of muscle inside their skull, otherwise known as their brain. On another side note, I find it rather disturbing as to how much parents let their kids get away with. I mean seriously, having a kid screaming around a store for over 30 minutes and telling them to please hush (instead of taking other appropriate actions besides the ones that are obviously not working), and then buying them the toy that was just threatened not to be bought for them if they didn't stop their behavior is rather ridiculous. What is that saying about who in charge? And its not even like this sort of behavior is that uncommon. I've seen it enough to where I am scared to have a kid that will grow up around other kids that think its normal to act this way. It irritates me just thinking about it. I have to get off this subject or I could go on for quite a while.
In other news I have started an art blog. It had been on my mind to do for a while and I finally got it set up. I even have a first post to it so far. Oh, some other good news is that I have 36 hours of vacation time left to use up sometime by this coming Oct. That makes me happy and I am trying to figure out what days I want to take off and how I want to use the free time I will have. Another day at the beach would be nice, minus the sunburn I got last time. There's just something so soothing about the sound of the waves, the salty air, and just the atmosphere in general. I think it would be incredibly nice to have an art studio by the ocean. Maybe one day, that dream will come true. Who knows... until then, its just wishful thinking. I'm pretty sure I've always been a wishful thinker though.
Ah, yay for sand between my toes.
How could anyone not find some sort of peace at a place like this.
Well, its late and I should try and get some sleep. Good nites, and don't worry, I'll be back to pester your ear some time later.
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| So recently, I made the decision that I would like to try and write on here on a regular basis as I once did. It has been a while since I have written anything worth reading lately and I feel that is time for that to change. Lately work has left me feeling as if I have been living a repetitive life and in turn, as if I don't have much worth writing about or to say. However, this is not true as I as still have many thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis about all sorts of things. This sounds so lacking in personality and emotion but it has been a while since I have last written so it may take a little bit before I get back into the groove of things. My poor brain is a little rusty and in need of some dusting. So, anyways, its a bit late tonight and I do need some sleep, but I wanted to take the chance to start a new post on here and get the writing process and juices flowing and back underway. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite! *I would hope you didn't have bed bugs to start with however* :)
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| I can't believe I have been away from xanga this long. Close to three months. Seriously? I don't know where my head is anymore sometimes. Tonight I have been feeling like a complete waste of space. This week I haven't felt like talking, being around people, or even that I belonged. Walking around in a daze and trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my head is pretty much where I am. I got into a disagreement with my mom about a week ago. That was an emotional night. I hate feeling frustrated. For some reason, working at AC Moore is almost a relief... even with the grumpy customers who get their panties in a wad when we won't let them use more than one coupon. I don't know if it is because it gives my thoughts a rest or if it just gives me some direction if only for just a little while. I have been feeling very distant and unnattached to my close friends lately. I'm not going to say its not my fault because in actuality I do feel a major part of that feeling comes from it being my fault. From me not making the effort of telling friends when I am thinking about them or that I miss them. There are a lot of things that I think about that never get said aloud, or written. A lot of times its because I don't believe that what I think about is really worth putting down into words. Sometimes its because I don't like to admit what I am feeling on the inside. There are many flaws and weaknesses that I hate about myself that I never have to courage to put down. I also tend to reflect heavily on things from the past, such as enjoyable times, unpleasant memories, conversations, times of growth or failure... all there for me to remember whenever I choose. I am tempted to say that my recent reflections on the past have been more so for the purpose of feeling something as opposed to feeling numb. However, I can say with certainty that it is self defeating to try and use past feelings of good or bad to dictate the emotions you feel presently. Living in the past, feeling in the past, anything in the past besides learning and growing from the past is not truly living. I don't believe that I have been truly living. Mere existance is retarded. There was a lot I originally wanted to say about mere existance, but essentially, it is just retarded. Sometimes I really hate writing about problems, or issues going on in my life because I know in my heart the general answer to all my problems, but then again, that doesn't mean that I can't still state what is there. It doesn't always make me feel content, or at peace right away. There are a lot of times that I struggle, especially inner struggles against emotions and myself that I try to never reveal on surface level. I don't like depending on others or feeling as if I need help. I guess it is a bit of pride or not wanting to be needy. I feel like I have been given so much and I try so hard to "be there" for friends when they need it, help out when I can, do little things at random times and try to keep asking for favors or help down to a minimum. I feel that I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet, and even then there have been times when I felt like I have backstabbed even my closest friends, or taken out my anger on someone because I felt justified by it. I mean honestly, with as "invincible" and independant as I try to be, I struggle. I'm not perfect, and at times I just wish I weren't so closed off emotionally for people to see when I truly need someone to just say they care or that I'm not forgotten. I am definately an introvert, and I definately crave personal time and space, I don't always like being touchy feely, I can't always put into words or emotions how happy I am for you, or adequately show sympathy. I don't know how to react when you cry in front in me, and its not in my fibers to jump all around in excitement when you accomplish something fantastic.... but that doesn't mean its not important to me. I'm pretty sure I've covered that last statement before. There are a lot of times that I feel that I fail as a friend whether it be because I don't remember what your concentration in college was, I forgot your birthday, I didn't know how to respond to your meltdown and I backed off, I took sides in an arguement, my joking was overly cruel, I was too critical... I could go on. There are a lot of things that I wish were different about myself, but I wouldn't be who I am without it... no matter how much I regret it or dislike it. Maybe I'm too closed off for my own good, maybe I never admit when I am lonely or angry or scared, maybe I forget to write you to let you know I was thinking of you and I miss you, maybe I am longing for somewhere and someone to belong to, maybe I feel immature and inadequate, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.... I don't know how to express how I feel. I daydream a lot and live in the past, but I try not to let myself get carried away so I won't get burned. Sometimes I am overly realistic and literal. There are a lot of times when I have a knowledge that I am not alone, and that there are people that care for me, and yet I still feel an incredible sense of lonliness. Geez, I am in a really weird mood right now. Being really tired probably isn't helping stabalize or organize anything thats being written right now. I really don't care right now though. I'm sure I will when I read back on this later, but I won't worry about it now. I think I need sleep.
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| I can't believe I am up past 1 AM! I am such a nerd to have a bedtime of 10:00 pm on a regular basis but that has been my life since work began at AC Moore. I get really excited that I can sleep in on Saturdays as it is the only day I can really sleep in on. Wow, I'm such a dork. I need to get to bed before I make myself sound more goofy than I already have. It's a bit of a struggle to stay up late as I am pretty much into a bedtime routine now. Weeeeeird! Ok, enough of that. *wanders over to bed and plops down* *waves sleepily from bed* nites everyone!
*points to self* (is in serious need of a social life)....
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| Recently, my computer (laptop) crashed. It was a really weird thing because it happened while I was at work. Anyways, I lost everything that had been on it as I never backed anything up *stupid*... but the even weirder thing was that as much as I thought it would bother me... it really didn't. The only thing I guess I feel a real sense of loss about is the videos I had that I never uploaded to a site and so they were never saved as they have been long deleted from my camera by now.
The checklist of things important (to me) on my computer:
Saved writings (personal, emails, IM)- hmm, most important stuff that I have written is here on xanga or written out in hard copy so not too worried about that. Some saved emails are backed up online... lost most saved IM convos which probably are what I looked back on the most besides pics and vids.
Picutes/ Video-
Most of my pictures, at least the ones that are really important to me, are on facebook and so I wasn't too worried about that... like I said, I lost most of my videos, but I do have a few here and there stored away either in emails, facebook or youtube.
Music-
music can be reloaded easily, especially since a lot of my music is still stored on my old PC... so I wasn't too worried about that
Software/ Programs-
all the software could be reloaded, so once again, not really worried about that.
I guess its a lucky thing that I haven't had this laptop for years and years because I probably would have a lost a lot more. I did however lose most of the graphic design stuff I had done... but even then now that I think of it, around half of it was probably saved from old emails from when they had to be turned in. In spite of what I did lose that was important to me, such as saved emails or IM convos, pictures, videos, personal work.... I almost feel a sense of relief. *shocker* I know. Had it crashed a year earlier no doubt I would be freaking out about it, but in a way, I can't help but feel that it's God's way of helping me let go of the past. I don't mean in a sense, of forgetting the past or what was important, but more of that I don't cling to it so tightly to where I can't move forward. I guess you could say the computer crash allowed for a clean start and doesn't allow for me to as readily dwell so much in the past. I would say that it is one of my weaknesses. I am a sentimentalist and I try to remember every important detail of my life, but you know, my "every important detail" can actually prevent me from my true purpose of being here. While I do wish to cherish the blessings that God has given me, I don't want my desires of recalling and "living in the past" hinder me from doing God's will and prevent me from being able to move forward and grow in life. I know that I still have a few hang-ups that will still take time to let go of and heal from, but looking at things through God's eyes... or having an eternal mindset can really change the value of what you thought was once very dear to you. It can transform huge traumas into a small obstacle. I think a lot of times, I try to get so focused in on the tiny details that go ion one day, that I forget to see the bigger picture of the life that God has given me. A verse that has been stuck in my mind these past few months is one that I has stuck out to me in the past. It is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 and it says
17"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
It is very self explanatory I think but it has helped me tremendously in realizing that my troubles of today, this week, this month or even these past few years can't even compare to the eternal life I will have with God once I die. It also means that I shouldn't have to overwhelmed by my worries or troubles because God is so much bigger and he outlasts my troubles. My troubles eventually have an end, even if the time it may not seem that way, but God is with me through it all and is there long after. So with all that being said, all in all, this computer crash, as unlikely as it seems, has been a sort of a blessing in disguise. | | |
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